It has been a battle in my head lately, as I’m sure my last negative nancy post showed. Just wanted to follow that post up with a few quick words to let you all know that I’m still fighting and I’m not giving up yet. I deserve more than my ed, I deserve more than hospitalization after hospitalization. I have love on my side and love is stronger than ED! It’s breakfast time so I better get going. I’m tackling this eating disorder one bite at a time. Peacexx
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iwillbebrave 
Hey there! Just read these last two posts now – wish I had seen yesterday’s post yesterday!
What you are experiencing is exactly what people who END UP RECOVERING experience. A back a forth, a not wanting to grab the rope…. but then, you end up grabbing it later… periodic bouts of hopelessness, feeling behind your peers…. but then – showing up for breakfast anyway. You’re doing great!
I know the feeling of feeling behind your peers, but I wanted to reassure you that the path your life is taking is also a fine path, and you will ultimately not feel behind your peers. In fact, it’s possible that because of the gifts you get from recovery, that in the end, you’ll feel wiser than your peers. The only way you will end up “behind” (whatever that really means) is by not being real with yourself. But you’re being real with yourself. You’re showing up (on this blog and I’m sure in other areas of your life too). You’re stating your truth, and your working through it. That’s “the shit of it” and that’s how you move forward: eat food, show up, be real, be honest, find sources of inspiration wherever you can, and try to stay in connection with your Healthy Self even while being in connection with your ED Self.
I’m thinking of you. I know it’s hard, and medication changes make it all that much harder, but listen closely – your Healthy Self is still inside of you, and it will guide you. It guided you this morning when you went to eat breakfast.
It might also help to think of the ED as trying to help you. You say you’re scared of the future – I was/am too. So many people are! That is a totally normal fear! So your ED’s desire to restrict is just trying to help you avoid the future, right? The problem is, the ED is very unsophisticated and is kind of like a two year old. So, you have to listen to your ED and guide it. For instance, you might say, “Ok, ED, I hear you. You want to restrict b/c you’re scared. Scared of recovery. Scared of a lot. Thank you for trying to help me. I have an idea. How about I comfort myself about my fears in another way. I’ll write about them. I’ll remind myself I only have to take one day at a time. I’ll talk to people. And, I’ll eat my food. Because, the truth is, ED, is that I can eat my food AND take care of myself and my fears at the same time. And, heres’ the deal. Let’s say I eat all of my food and I’m still scared of the future. No one is goign to make me jump into the future. I’m still allowed to be nourished and not rush ahead into the future. The pressure about the future that you perceive, ED, is just a delusion. The pressure isn’t real. I’ll be okay. So thank you, ED, for trying to take care of me by making it impossible for me to have a future. I hear your message. And I’ll take it form here now. I’ll comfort myself about the future while I eat my food.”
Just some thoughts to take or leave…
You’re doing great, Cody!
~Laura
Laura, you are so unbelievable wise and helpful. May I email you?
Absolutely! Do you know my e-mail from my comments or should I post it here?