This right here is the hardest part of recovery. Where it hurts and the only way out is to keep eating. I’ve let ED in this week by restricting and it’s starting to get out of hand. I saw my doctor this morning, he met with my parents and I. It was a rough session/appointment. I cried about how I want to give up, that its just too painful, and the classic ED line, “no one can make me eat”! It is the battle of love verses ED. My parents are here for me, every meal, every moment, they have given up everything for me. ED has tried to destroy my life yet the choice of choosing between the two is so hard. I feel like a terrible person, how can I choose a life alone, starving myself over the people who have been fighting for me, who love and believe in me. ED is telling me that I have to get sick one more time before I can fully recover. That my weight can get lower than it did last time. How does that make any sense? Why do I have to get worse to get better? I’m still going to have to handle the pain somewhere along the line. I’m so torn right now. My house is full of tears, both parents and mine. Every meal last week was a battle of love verse the eating disorder. I eat because I love my family and I don’t want to keep hurting them, but then the eating disorder destroys me afterward. I’m being pulled in two different directions and the eating disorder seems to be winning. How could ED be stronger than love. Is it my fault? Am I a bad person. How could I choose ED over love.
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iwillbebrave 
Yeah, I know what you mean. I describe the stage you’re in as a triple lose situation, which is such an awful place to be emotionally. It’s like you lose if you do ED behaviors b/c, ultimately, your body hurts and it doesn’t feel good – the ED hurts in the long-run – in a physical and emotional way. But you also lose if you do the healthy thing because your ED beats you up afterwards. And, you also lose because you have this awareness that you don’t want to be someone who is choosing “ED over love.” You end up self-critical; and you’re aware of how you’re hurting others. So, it seems like, at this stage, no matter what decision you make – to eat enough or not – you end up in a lose situation. You know what I mean? This stage isn’t a fun stage to be in. In the stage you’re in, there’s a heightened awareness of your eating disorder, which also can mean greater shame about your desire to use your behaviors. And, also in this stage, when you don’t use your ED behaviors, you’re left with these really terrible feelings, and you haven’t had much time to practice managing these feelings. It seems like the progress is maddeningly slow, that your sense of self is crushed. The place you’re in is really not fun. This is the stage where many people refuse to continue treatment, right? And it’s easy to see why! Using your ED behaviors is much less painful in the short-term. But, of course, remaining eating disordered is much more painful in the long term.
The good news, however, is that the place you’re in won’t last forever. Eventually, the pay-offs of being “in the shit of it” and doing the work arrives. It will become easier to control the restricting. You will learn new behaviors and some of them will actually work to make life easier and less scary. You will notice that you’ll become less self-critical and your sense of self will be, even if only a little bit, stronger. There will be things you’ll start to feel proud of here. You won’t be in a triple lose situation anymore. You might still have some nostalgia for your eating disorder, but you’ll also find that things as they are, in recovery, are weirdly kinda nice. And as you continue to move forward, you’ll start to figure out the answer to the question: “So if I’m not just an eating disordered person, who am I?” You’ll begin to reclaim your identity. Recovering from an ED can tend to flatten you and it’ll take some time to puff back up and find some zest for living again. But it will happen. You’ll start to think, “Hm, so if I’m not someone who just restricts, then who am I? what do I like? What do I want in my life?” You’ll have a sense of control over your life. You’ll start to believe that you can be the Director of your Life as opposed to Life coming zooming at you in a scary way. Being the Director of your Life will be a nice feeling.
I realize I just rambled on, predicting what will happen for you. I guess I do this because, for me, when I was in your position, having some sense of what is to come helped me. When I was where you were, I wanted to give up because I thought it is too hard to hate myself every time after I eat. I could not imagine ever not hating myself after every meal. Life didn’t seem worth it if that’s how I had to feel. But, knowing the general path that recovery can take, it made me feel like I wasn’t a lost cause, but, rather, in a really crappy part of a journey that actually turns out fairly well! And so that’s what I want to tell you. You’re not a lost cause. It’s just that your’e in one of the hardest parts of the journey that will turn out well in the end. I really can promise that.
One last thing – I totally know the ED’s idea of getting sick one last time before recovering. What helped me was knowing how crappy it is to have to recover. Really, there are a couple of options: Get sick and get sicker and die. OR, get sick, get sicker, and recover. I knew I didn’t want to die, and I hope you feel the same. So, that meant at some point I’d have to recover again. Recovery – refeeding – eating even when you hate yourself for doing so – that is such hard and miserable work, that I did NOT want to do that again. So, given that at some point I’d have to recover again (really, the only choices are die or recover), I tried to stay in recovery if only to avoid having to do the early stages of recovery again! You know?
And – ok – one last thing! haha. You ARE choosing love over ED. Even if the ED is beating you up, you are still choosing Love over ED. Everytime you agree to sit down at the table. Every bite you take (even if you didn’t finish the whole plate). Every doctors appointment you go to, those are all actions of love – love for yourself, love for your parents.
ok, that’s all for now! You’re exactly where you’re supposed to be, and you WILL recover in a moment by moment. That’s how it happens. I’m thinking of you! xoxo
Hi Laura, I emailed you but I may not have your most current email address. Just have the one that comes up when you post. Would love to talk to you more. You hit the nail on the head with your posts. They are so accurate to how I’m feeling and you have helped me so much already. Hopefully we can talk in more detail if thats okay with you. Thanks so much for your support.
Cody
Keep fighting. You are a very special person and I want to see you well. You are in my thoughts.