I took a little bit of time off from blogging, partially because I didn’t want to reiterate the same thing over and over again. That recovery is hard work, that I’m struggling, scared and feeling hopeless at times. The past week has been tough, as I try to battle the ED voice which has definitely grown louder. The scary thing about Ed is that if you let him in even a little bit, its becomes harder and harder to do the right thing. Although these past two weeks have been painfully difficult I did manage to get myself out of the house (out of my bed) and spend time with friends on friday night. I put on normal clothes, a nice top and Jeans! It was actually quite a big deal. I was so nervous to eat dinner out of the house and socialize with old friends but it turned out to be a great thing. I had a good time and it was a nice break from Ed’s torment.
I wanted to touch on a what is scaring me most lately. For a long time it was very easy for me to restrict because my body was so used to starving that I rarely felt hunger, and if I did I never responded to it. As someone suffering from anorexia, I find it extremely difficult to admit that I feel hunger. It goes against everything the eating disorder tells me. Yesterday I worked really hard to get myself back on the right path, but I was so freaked out because I was actually hungry and responding to it. After my night time snack I panicked, I was crying and punching the walls, hating myself for listening to my body and eating my meal plan. My parents were comforting me but I still felt such anger and despair. It is hard to explain why feeling hungry is so scary. I guess it shows me that I’m not so different than anyone else. My eating disorder like to tell me that I’m different that I don’t need food like everyone else, but I guess hunger affirms that yes, Cody, you are human and your body needs full nutrition. I’m still grappling with the feeling of hunger. I’m afraid to respond to it, because by responding I’m going against all of Ed’s convincing lies. Can anyone relate to that denial of hunger?
iwillbebrave 