ED rears his ugly behind!

I’m having a really tough week. This transition back home has not been easy. I was excited to come home from portland, coupled with intense fear and nervousness. I knew at the Kartini clinic, ed didn’t stand a chance and I knew that coming home there would be a large chance that ed would rear his ugly behind. Rear his ugly behind is certainly what is going on now. I’m shutting down, refusing the love and commitment from my family and friends and trusting ed to help me through. I know its wrong but I so afraid of the future, I feel like a failure and so far behind my peers. Hopelessness is definitely the word to describe how I’m feeling and the state I’m in. I’m not feeling hungry which is nothing new, and unfortunately I’m listening to ed. My parents are fighting for me but I’m refusing to grab the rope. I’m failing them yet again. I don’t know how to move on with my life. I’m also in the middle of a medicine change, I’m basically on nothing and working my way up to a therapeutic dose of anti-depressants which has to be a factor in my depression. Anyway, I have nothing really more to say except “I’m in the shit of it” (thanks to Laura for that phrase) and maybe I’m too tired to keep fighting. I’m sorry to all those who love me.

About chn4

My name is Cody. I'm 22 years old recovering from anorexia. I'm starting this blog as a way to cope with my feelings, fears and doubts. I hope that as time goes on I will be able to help other strugglers and those who want understand the pain that is anorexia. No one should have to feel such despair and hatred towards themselves, no one should feel as if they don't deserve food. Unfortunately anorexia is a brain disorder and although the media doesn't help the situation it does not cause eating disorders. Recovery is a process, and it hurts. I am only at the beginning and I'm scared but I have to be brave and believe that there is something better out there for me. I will be brave.

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