So irritable and frustrated tonight. I had a rough day, finally confronted my sister about how hurt I feel for her inability to understand my illness. I know she loves me and I guess I will just have to accept the way she reacts to my struggle. It’s painful when someone you love can’t understand. I’m too upset to write a post about that tonight so I think I’ll just ramble on to get my frustration out.
Most of my friends and family already know this but for those who don’t, I’ve been doing FBT (Family Based Treatment) for anorexia nervosa. Fbt, with the help of the kartini clinic, has saved my life. You’d think I’d be grateful for FBT but I’m just too new to recovery right now to give thanks. I’m feeling a lot of anger and wishing I didn’t have the support I have so I can just use the eating disorder to cope with my fears and anxieties. Family based treatment has typically been done in the past for younger children but current evidence based treatment has proven that it can be very helpful for young adults. The basis for family based treatment is that the parents (Boyfriend, Girlfriend, Spouse: If the patient is married or living away from family) takes control of the food until the child or young adult is capable of properly feeding themselves. Before family based treatment can really work the patient must be medically stable which is what they make sure of at the kartini clinic. If you on unstable you enter the hospital first, on a medical pediatric unit, not a psychiatric unit and they monitor your heart and vitals and give you adequate nutrition, by mouth or through ng/gtube feeds if you are unable to eat. As your vitals improve with proper nutrition and you can complete all your meals without needing the tube, the doctors discuss and plan for discharge. This is when fbt starts. For the younger school-age children the goal of the kartini DTU (day treatment unit) is to help the children and teens, get to an age appropriate level of independent eating, while continuing to restore the mind and body. The college age program is slightly longer because many college age patients are working towards living completely independent of their parents. Fbt makes a lot of sense because basically family based treatment is a continuation of support, it takes the power away from the eating disorder because not eating is not an option, the same as it would be in a residential facility. Unfortunately eating disorder recovery can take years and financially it is impossible to stay in a residential facility for that long. Continued support is so important for long term recovery. I know fbt has worked for adults, I have friends who are living proof, but for some reason I feel like I’m the exception to the rule. I haven’t gotten to independent eating and I’m so uncomfortable in my body that all I can think about tonight is wishing I was back in the darkness of ED, in my tiny body that gave me only limited satisfaction. When everything else felt so horrible at least I could feel my bones and know I was doing something right. I’m so in my eating disorder tonight. Why? I guess because I feel so horrible in this moment, and it seems that nothing could be worse than the feeling I am in right now. Grrr none of this makes any sense. I just feel like as a young adult at some point I’ll have to take control of my recovery and stop doing it for my mom and dad. I’ve put them through hell and the only thing keeping me eating is the guilt I feel for them and maybe the hope that I can be more than just a girl with an eating disorder. Maybe I’m not more, maybe I’ll never be more, maybe I’ll have to fall on my face in order to pick myself up and get better for me. Maybe that’s the eating disorder talking but what if its true. I’m so new at this. So new at being an eater. So scared to step foot in a world where failure might be an option. My eating disorder has kept me in this place of limbo for years now and I’m terrified of what the future holds.
Tomorrow’s a new day and hopefully the pain I’m feeling now will subside by breakfast time tomorrow. Its been a long day and I’m still here. As my new therapist likes to say, “I’m staying alive” one moment at a time.
iwillbebrave 
Hi Cody –
I am a young adult in recovery from my eating disorder. And I promise you things will get better. I remember how hard the early stages of recovery are but it is so so worth it. Keep eating, keep accepting the love and support from your family and friends and eventually you will be able to see a way out of the darkness.
Hannah
Thank you Hannah, it is always nice to hear that things will and do get better. It’s a long road and accepting the love and support is something I’m still working on.
Hey there! I just wanted to let you know that I’m a young adult (well, does 28 count still as a YA? Maybe I have to start saying I’m a “regular adult” haha… anyway) A couple things crossed my mind as I read your post and I wanted to share.
1) Reading your words is like reading my old journal entries. The things you write are the exact same things I wrote. I say that to give you hope that you’re on the right path. I’m fully recovered now – and I don’t say that lightly. I really mean that I never think about calories, never feel anxiety about eating, and don’t want to be in a too small body anymore. And I could have written these exact words a few years ago.
2) You write in a way that I really believe will be helpful to you. You are very honest, which is crucial, but then you have an aspect of your writing which is also very self aware. You question yourself and you don’t lose your insight. Even though insight isn’t a cure in and of itself, it will be a hugely valuable tool. KEep writing; it will heal!
3) How do I say this: You’re “in the shit of it” but you’re exactly where you need to be. That is what a therapist once said to me. By that I mean: You’re eating, regularly, and it’s not easy, and your ED Voice is still there, but you’re Healthy Self is there too and you’re getting through it and not giving yourself an out. You’re doing EVERYTHING you need to be doing even though your ED is still in your head. THAT is how you get better. I promise. So you’re doing everything you need to be doing. This is what you have to do to get better and you’re doing it!
4) I wouldn’t fret too much right now about who you are recovering for – your mom/dad or you. Here’s why I say this: Without even noticing, if you keep eating and keep up with your self awareness and keep talking back to the ED and keep on having these sorts of discussions iside yourself… then eventually, without even noticing, you will find that you found a reason to recover and stay recovered. As you keep on doing what you need to do (which is eating and talking back to the ED and gaining more and more insight), you will find that the ED Voice shrinks and having to come up with a reason to recover won’t even make sense – b/c you’ll get to a place where you’ll think “of course i’ll stay recovered.” I swear. But, in the meantime, it can be helpful to have reasons and your mom/dad are great reasons! Other reasons I used: I wanted to be a role model for young girls; I wanted to be an example to others; I wanted to be the first in my family to put a stop to EDs (both of my grandmothers and two of my aunts have AN); I wanted to be a better friend (and it’s hard to be a better friend when you’re medically unstable and/or in your head all the time); things like that. If any of those resonate with you, use them. But, like I said, over time, reasons to stay recovered will appear and, ultimately, you won’t even need them b/c you’ll have worked through so many things (including fear of future) that having the ED just wouldn’t even make sense to you anymore.
Ok – those are just some of my thoughts….
I hope breakfast was delicious!
Keep on, keeping on! You’re doing great!
Laura
Laura,
Thank you so much for your encouragement. I am really struggling this week which is why I didn’t write you back sooner. I’ve read over your post a few times already this week, trying to remind myself that yes, “I am in the shit-of-it” (I like that), but that things will get better and someday I won’t want my ed for comfort because life will be too full of other good things. I can’t tell how much it meant to me, you taking the time to reply to my blog. You give me so much hope even on days like today where I don’t want to get out of my bed. Thanks again.
Cody
I am cheering for you, dear girl. You ARE brave and it is WORTH IT. YOU ARE WORTH IT! I look forward to more of your insights along the way.
Best wishes,
Laura C.
Thank you Laura!
Don’t worry- I have you topped in the “slow learner at FBT” department. It took me years to be able to eat independently. I thought I was the FBT exception, too. Honestly, I had to do a lot of work above and beyond FBT before I was able to began to be responsible for my own recovery. Even now, I need a LOT of support to do it. It may take more time than seems fair, more time than you ever thought possible, but recovery does happen.
Thank you Carrie. I’m working on accepting the support and not listening the ed voice. We are building my treatment team in NY, and you actually came up in my appointment yesterday with Dr. Canosa :). Thank you for reading and taking the time to offer support. That means a lot to me.
Cody