I will be brave

The title of my blog, is fairly easy to understand if you are a sufferer of anorexia or a loved one of a sufferer. The need to brave when it comes to battling an eating disorder is what many outsiders don’t understand. Eating? Why would you need to be brave to just eat. Before I get into detail, lets go back to this basics. Eating disorders are biological brain disorders. “Parents do not cause eating disorders and children (or adults) don’t choose to have them.” I’ve accepted that I didn’t choose this illness, anyone that suffers with anorexia wouldn’t wish it on their worst enemy. In fact I find myself at times wishing I was battling something else or anything else for that matter. There’s no quick fix to anorexia nervosa, no magic pill to make the thoughts or the physiological destruction caused by malnutrition, just go away. You have to fight with all you have, hope and believe that there is something more out there. A chance for a life not consumed by food, calories, body image, depression, and anxiety. Unfortunately I have experienced a time where I couldn’t fight for myself. In that case others have to fight for you, nourish you by any means possible (ng tube, g-tube) so your brain can wrap its head around the fact that not getting nourishment is just not an option. Slowly dying is just not okay. Sometimes I still feel I’m the exception to the rule, that I don’t need food; but part of me knows that is the eating disorder talking, not Cody.

Another point I want to bring up is the fact that you do not have to want to get better from your eating disorder to begin the healing process. In fact, it is the nature of the illness to be fearful of recovery and deny that you may even have a problem. The eating disorder numbs you out, so you don’t have to feel the pain, the anxiety, the depression. It works in the moment but it is a vicious cycle that leaves you feeling more depressed, anxious and fearful of weight gain. I’ve just arrived home from a 9 month stay in treatment 2 weeks ago (including almost 2 and half months of hospitalization and 7 months of intensive outpatient/day treatment), and most days I’m afraid of recovery and wish to go back to my eating disorder. Its a miserable place to be but sometimes the miserable, because it is what I know seems less scary than the unknown future which is potentially filled with hope, promise and maybe even happiness. It’s a lot to wrap your head around if you haven’t battled an eating disorder, but all you ed warriors know what I’m talking about.

Now to the bravery piece. I get choked up thinking about it. Back in January of this year, 2012, I was terrified of food and water. My brain was so starved and my body was wasting. I cared about nothing and I wanted to die. I thought I was ready. I had told my mom from my hospital bed that I had lived a good life, I had many successes and failures and people would remember me for those. It was my doctors and my parents who told me that they were not going to let that happen. When I met Dr O’ Toole one of the first things she told me was that I was very sick. She said she didn’t want me to worry about eating, that they were going to put an ng-tube in my nose to get the process started and give my mind and body a break. I tried to explain that I wasn’t that sick, that I was okay, that I didn’t need to go the hospital, but my blue finger tips and inability to walk even 5 steps showed otherwise. The bravery began when I entered the hospital. I allowed the placement of an ng-tube. The thought of food going into my stomach through a tube in my nose was terrifying but something inside me knew I deserved better. After a few days of ng-tube feeds I took the bold step of asking to eat. Shaking with fear and anxiety I spooned bite after bite into my mouth as the kind compasionate nurses of Randall children’s hospital sat with me through the tears, encouraging me to be brave. I don’t think anyone can understand or comprehend the fear of food that encompasses anorexia nervosa. Most the time it doesn’t make sense to me but that is why it is brain disorder. All I know is my own fear and how painful it was both mentally and physically to feed a body that had been starving for far to long.

As I continue on my journey I am far from where I want to be. I’m in a healthy body and no longer suffering the physical effects of anorexia but mentally, the pain is still unbearable at times. I keep fighting, with every bite I continue to be brave.